Pitfalls to Avoid in Choosing a Mate

Statistics

With 85% of the US population marrying at least once and 50% of them ending in divorce, there is definitely a need to ask oneself some hard questions before finalizing a future mate selection. Choosing an emotionally healthy mate has more to do with the overall success of marriage than anything else you do combined after marriage. The following questions are intended as preliminary to more in depth questions as the relationship proceeds.

Question # 1
Am I making this decision too fast?

Quick marriages are already in trouble because they are based on a core belief of fantasies. “I will always be loved.” “I’ll never be alone.” “It will make me eternally happy.” “I’ll have someone I can control.” “I will always be needed.” “I can escape the pain of my personal circumstances.” “They will care for me or I can take care of them.” Ironically, most of these are needs that only God can meet (Phil. 4:11-13). Therefore, quick marriages can be a means of putting another human in the place of God. This is normally called “co-dependency.”

Question # 2
Am I too young to make this important decision?

Although the average age to get married has increased, there remains a large percentage of young married couples. These young couples usually fail to accomplish two important tasks of life. First, they do not know who they really are as to their identity. Adolescents and young adults are just coming out of a phase of conforming to their peers and have not fully identified the gifts, talents and personality strengths that God is developing in them. They were a different person at age 18 than at age 25. Often couples who marry young report that they or their mate are different people than when they married. Second, they may not have determined their (or God’s) life goal for themselves. There has not been enough life experience to determine this.

Question # 3
Am I too eager to get marred?

Usually at the root of this eagerness is an attempt to fix something that is broken in themselves or someone else. Passion temporarily covers personal pain which only resurfaces later. Emotions are not subject to truth or reality. They only mask future responsibilities, relational conflict and the pain that follows. Finding a mate who is emotionally mature can eliminate close to 75% of the causes of divorce. Why? They have put away their childish ways of dealing with life (I Cor. 13:11).

Question # 4
Am I trying to please someone at the expense of my own feelings, desires, dreams or goals?

Wounded mates stuff who they really are or who God has called them to be thinking they can gain acceptance and approval if they just perform well for their mate. They have confused pleasing with love. Pleasers fail to see who God made them to be, therefore, they arrive at midlife clueless as to who they are. Pleasers tend to marry angry controllers and spend the remainder of their lives walking on egg shells to control their mate’s anger and are oblivious to God’s leading by His Holy Spirit (Rom. 8:4). In time bitterness will control their heart (Heb. 12:15).

Question # 5
Have I had enough balanced life experiences with this person?

Have you observed this person in a variety of situations to be able to really know this person? People ‘in love’ do not like “problem talk” and therefore, they are clueless how this person will handle inevitable conflict. Healthy conflict can be a base for deeper intimacy which is the result of deeper understanding. The single most direct influence you can have on your relationship and future children is how you manage anger. Life experience does not include sexual involvement which outside of marriage is sin (Eph. 5:3-5). Sexual sin does not produce a healthy marriage. Research repeatedly indicates couples who live together before marriage have less happiness in marriage than couples who waited. They report more frequent arguments during marriage and greater risk of separation and divorce.

Question # 6
Do I have too unrealistic expectations?

Expectations are rules one adult makes for another adult. Adults do not like rules made just for them. When one fails to “keep the rules” conflict and disappointment ensues. Have the roles and responsibilities been clearly defined and agreed upon? Have they agreed on basic biblical marital attitudes; she is to respect him and he is to (sacrificially) love her (Eph. 5:33). The big self- deception is you can expect to change later what you do not like in a future mate now. Red lights before marriage do not turn green after marriage. Love alone does not fix past or present wounds. It is a false expectation that there will be no difficulties even if you seem to do most everything right in your marriage. It is a must that all topics (money, kids, sex, religion, etc.) are discussed and agreed upon before you say,”I do” or you will fight over them later.

Question # 7
Am I overlooking significant personality or behavioral problems?

Personal and behavioral problems tend to be rooted in the birth family and are passed on generationally (Ex. 20:5, 6). You may need to ask yourself, “Am I willing to spend the rest of my life dealing with these problems (pride, control, selfishness, entitlements, jealousy, immorality, etc.)?” Negative personality traits will show up in almost every situation, not just once or twice in the course of the marriage. Failure to deal with these problems before marriage results in loss of leverage for change (what incentives do they have to change now in the marriage?) The problems will escalate under the normal stress of marriage and make them much more difficult to manage over time. The pleasure of denial will ultimately fade in the presence of pain over the long haul.

Question # 8
Am I minimizing the spiritual aspect of the relationship?

Studies have repeatedly shown that a mutually agreed upon spiritual base (core belief system) has a very favorable influence on the marriage (Rom. 12:16). There is more satisfaction, greater sexual contentment, less divorce, less conflict, higher commitment, motivation to solve problems, to sacrifice for each other, to work as a team and greater desire to keep the marriage strong. Research also indicates partners from different religions are much more likely to divorce. Putting an ox and a horse in the same yoke proves to be very unsatisfying to the farmer (II Cor. 6:14).

Question # 9
Have we established and agreed upon communication rules before marriage?

One survey of 21,500 married couples indicated the top category of predictive marital happiness was how they communicated with each other (Col 4:6). Have they agreed to stop interrupting and start listening (Prov. 18:13)? Are they going to refrain from name calling and start encouraging instead (Gal. 5:15)? Will they remain focused on one issue at a time and avoid hopping from one topic to another? Are they committed to acknowledging each other’s perspective without feeling threatened by the absence of agreement? Is there an effort to mirror back what is said in order to clarify the meaning of what is being said? Is there a commitment not to allow arguments to escalate in anger which results in destruction of the relationship (Eph. 4:27)? Have they agreed not to pout, withdraw or give the silent treatment? These are just a few of the “must discuss” aspects of commitment before the wedding.

Just a Beginning

Consider these basic starting points before you say, “I do.” Hundreds of hours of relationship pain can be prevented by mutually processing these basic topics. God does not bless the “knowers” of what it takes to have a mutually satisfying marriage. He only blesses the “doers” who put it into practice (James 1:25). God designed marriage. He knows how it works best.

From my good friend and colleague Shelia Benzon a member of counseling team of Living Foundation Ministries and a fellow member of the American Association of Christian Counselors

For a more complete outline of “Traps to Avoid in Choosing a Mate", go to http://www.lfmtools.org/