Every one of us struggles with selfishness. Usually we can be reasoned with and come up with a mutually agreeable solution, but not so for the extreme self-centered person (narcissist).
Characteristics of the Self-Centered Person
He (or she) has unrealistic expectations of others; manipulates them to cater to his every need; is easily insulted; can be verbally and sometimes physically abusive; makes others responsible for his feelings but has a total lack of empathy for others; chronically shifts blame to others for his problems and mistakes; can have sudden mood swings; rewrites historical events to avoid any personal responsibility; conveys one personality in public and a totally different one in private; discounts others’ opinions; appoints self as the final authority; controls others; feels entitled to be treated differently than others; is uncooperative; acts superior; craves adoration.
Biblical Understanding of the Self-Centered Person
The self-centered person has accepted Satan’s offer to Eve to be like God (Gen. 3:5). When a believer removes God from the center of this life and puts self on the throne, he is controlled by the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21), not by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22, 23). The unbeliever doesn’t have God in his life so self reigns on the throne of his life. . .
How to Respond to the Self-Centered Person
1. Affirm to yourself your true identity in Christ and not what you are told by the self-centered person (Gal. 2:20).
2. Review often in your mind who you are in Christ:
I am deeply loved (Rom 5:8), accepted (Rom 15:7), righteous (2 Cor. 5:17), adopted (Eph. 1:5), chosen (Eph.1:4), sealed (Eph.1:13), protected (Phil 4:7), blessed (Eph.1:3) and pardoned (Rom. 8:1).
3. Remember, the self-centered person cannot alter or change who you are because you were reborn with Christ’s identity. The self-centered person does not define you. God does! (I Cor. 1:2)
4. Recognize that verbal attacks, criticism and demeaning comments are actually coming from Satan through the self-centered person to you. Satan used Peter’s voice to try to divert Jesus from going to the cross (Matt. 18:23). The self-centered person’s goal is to devalue who you are in Christ. Whatever his tactics, the self-centered person is totally responsible for his words (Matt. 12:35-37).
5. Recommit yourself to the Lord daily. Jesus recommitted Himself often to His heavenly Father (I Peter 2: 23).
6. Be assured that God knows the facts that the self-centered person may be trying to distort in yours or other’s thinking (I Peter 2:23).
7. Respond from a position of confident security in Christ and self-control from the Holy Spirit (Heb. 10:35; Is. 30:15b). Never defend the flesh. It’s futile.
8. Remind yourself that you may lose in time, even with your godly response, but you will win in eternity (2 Cor. 4:7). The self-centered person may “win” in time but will lose in eternity, either his rewards as a believer (2 Cor. 5:10) or eternal destruction as an unbeliever (Rev. 20:11-15).
9. Identify and fulfill what is in your own circle of responsibility (Rom. 12:18). The self-centered person will shrink his circle of responsibility and attempt to expand yours and make you responsible for everything. Don’t assume what’s not yours.
10. Maintain your own mental, physical and spiritual health at all costs (I Thess. 5:23; 2 Peter 3:18; I Tim. 6:6).
11. Avoid traps that are set for you to act like him so he can come back and say “Look who’s talking and you call yourself a Christian?” These are “got you” traps (2 Cor. 2:11; I Peter 3:9).
12. Develop a response plan that will reflect your godly character and not his sinful response patterns (I Peter 3:9).
13. Emotionally detach enough so that his mood swings do not put you on an emotional roller-coaster. You do not need his cooperation to maintain your own emotional and spiritual integrity. Why? Because you are controlled by the Holy Spirit, not his attitude (Gal. 5:22, 23).
14. Remain firm, confident and respectful in spite of his goal to make you incompetent and lose control of yourself (Is. 30:15b).
15. Avoid the spears of verbal, critical attacks that are thrown at you just as David did when King Saul tried to kill him (I Sam. 19:10). How? When they are thrown, duck and let them hit the wall by reaffirming to yourself, “This is not about me. This is about him.” (Phil. 1:27, 28)
16. Allow the self-centered person to experience the consequences for his actions. This is one way to convey to him that you intend to be taken seriously (Gal. 6:7). When we do not listen to God’s Word, He sends His works. The book of Judges illustrates this pattern.
17. Maintain respect. The self-centered person craves adoration and control. God said we have to at least remain respectful. You can say, “No” respectfully and or refuse to play angry games or allow yourself to be manipulated (Eph. 5:33; Acts 23:1-5; I Peter 2:17).
18. Hold to your biblical convictions at all costs because he will twist scripture to control you (I Peter 1:13; I Tim, 4:16; 2 Tim. 1:13).
19. Accept the fact that you probably are not going to have the self-centered person’s approval. He knows very little about validating another person. You are totally secure in Christ.
20. Accept the truth that the self-centered person will be insensitive (Phil. 2:21). No pleading on your part is going to change that. Draw your comfort from God (2 Cor.1:4) and other believers (Gal. 6:2). Only God can change him (John 16:8).
21. Establish reasonable boundaries with appropriate consequences. You only build a fence around something that is valuable. See yourself as valuable in Christ (Matt. 6:26). Put a stop to the boundary violations or remove yourself from the violator. If you do not see yourself as valuable in Christ, you will not be able to set legitimate boundaries.
22. Grant forgiveness on a daily basis to prevent your spirit from becoming bitter (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is what you grant. Trust is what he has to earn (Prov. 18:19).
23. Understand that you are not trapped. Biblically you can choose to stay in the situation without any change (I Cor. 7:10) or you can separate and remain single or separate and be reconciled (I Cor. 7:11). There may be other choices, but these are three clear ones.
24. Pray for them (Matt. 5:44) that God will break through their denial, arrogance and roots of anger then draw them to Himself. Without a change of heart all behavioral changes are temporary.
Unfortunately, no relationship means much to the self-centered person, neither do tragic events. You can see this in the life of Pharaoh (Ex. 4:14). God warns us that one of the characteristics of the end times is that men will be lovers of themselves (2 Tim. 3:2). Your task is to remain godly in your responses, stay in your circle of responsibility, establish healthy boundaries and forgive regularly. Nothing may change, but your heart and spirit will grow through your godly response and this finds great favor in the sight of God (I Peter 2:20).
