Statistics
With 85% of the US population marrying at least once and 50% of them ending in divorce, there is definitely a need to ask oneself some hard questions before finalizing a future mate selection. Choosing an emotionally healthy mate has more to do with the overall success of marriage than anything else you do combined after marriage. The following questions are intended as preliminary to more in depth questions as the relationship proceeds.
Question # 1
Am I making this decision too fast?
Quick marriages are already in trouble because they are based on a core belief of fantasies. “I will always be loved.” “I’ll never be alone.” “It will make me eternally happy.” “I’ll have someone I can control.” “I will always be needed.” “I can escape the pain of my personal circumstances.” “They will care for me or I can take care of them.” Ironically, most of these are needs that only God can meet (Phil. 4:11-13). Therefore, quick marriages can be a means of putting another human in the place of God. This is normally called “co-dependency.”
Question # 2
Am I too young to make this important decision?
Although the average age to get married has increased, there remains a large percentage of young married couples. These young couples usually fail to accomplish two important tasks of life. First, they do not know who they really are as to their identity. Adolescents and young adults are just coming out of a phase of conforming to their peers and have not fully identified the gifts, talents and personality strengths that God is developing in them. They were a different person at age 18 than at age 25. Often couples who marry young report that they or their mate are different people than when they married. Second, they may not have determined their (or God’s) life goal for themselves. There has not been enough life experience to determine this.
Question # 3
Am I too eager to get marred?
Usually at the root of this eagerness is an attempt to fix something that is broken in themselves or someone else. Passion temporarily covers personal pain which only resurfaces later. Emotions are not subject to truth or reality. They only mask future responsibilities, relational conflict and the pain that follows. Finding a mate who is emotionally mature can eliminate close to 75% of the causes of divorce. Why? They have put away their childish ways of dealing with life (I Cor. 13:11).
Question # 4
Am I trying to please someone at the expense of my own feelings, desires, dreams or goals?
Wounded mates stuff who they really are or who God has called them to be thinking they can gain acceptance and approval if they just perform well for their mate. They have confused pleasing with love. Pleasers fail to see who God made them to be, therefore, they arrive at midlife clueless as to who they are. Pleasers tend to marry angry controllers and spend the remainder of their lives walking on egg shells to control their mate’s anger and are oblivious to God’s leading by His Holy Spirit (Rom. 8:4). In time bitterness will control their heart (Heb. 12:15).
Question # 5
Have I had enough balanced life experiences with this person?
Have you observed this person in a variety of situations to be able to really know this person? People ‘in love’ do not like “problem talk” and therefore, they are clueless how this person will handle inevitable conflict. Healthy conflict can be a base for deeper intimacy which is the result of deeper understanding. The single most direct influence you can have on your relationship and future children is how you manage anger. Life experience does not include sexual involvement which outside of marriage is sin (Eph. 5:3-5). Sexual sin does not produce a healthy marriage. Research repeatedly indicates couples who live together before marriage have less happiness in marriage than couples who waited. They report more frequent arguments during marriage and greater risk of separation and divorce.
Question # 6
Do I have too unrealistic expectations?
Expectations are rules one adult makes for another adult. Adults do not like rules made just for them. When one fails to “keep the rules” conflict and disappointment ensues. Have the roles and responsibilities been clearly defined and agreed upon? Have they agreed on basic biblical marital attitudes; she is to respect him and he is to (sacrificially) love her (Eph. 5:33). The big self- deception is you can expect to change later what you do not like in a future mate now. Red lights before marriage do not turn green after marriage. Love alone does not fix past or present wounds. It is a false expectation that there will be no difficulties even if you seem to do most everything right in your marriage. It is a must that all topics (money, kids, sex, religion, etc.) are discussed and agreed upon before you say,”I do” or you will fight over them later.
Question # 7
Am I overlooking significant personality or behavioral problems?
Personal and behavioral problems tend to be rooted in the birth family and are passed on generationally (Ex. 20:5, 6). You may need to ask yourself, “Am I willing to spend the rest of my life dealing with these problems (pride, control, selfishness, entitlements, jealousy, immorality, etc.)?” Negative personality traits will show up in almost every situation, not just once or twice in the course of the marriage. Failure to deal with these problems before marriage results in loss of leverage for change (what incentives do they have to change now in the marriage?) The problems will escalate under the normal stress of marriage and make them much more difficult to manage over time. The pleasure of denial will ultimately fade in the presence of pain over the long haul.
Question # 8
Am I minimizing the spiritual aspect of the relationship?
Studies have repeatedly shown that a mutually agreed upon spiritual base (core belief system) has a very favorable influence on the marriage (Rom. 12:16). There is more satisfaction, greater sexual contentment, less divorce, less conflict, higher commitment, motivation to solve problems, to sacrifice for each other, to work as a team and greater desire to keep the marriage strong. Research also indicates partners from different religions are much more likely to divorce. Putting an ox and a horse in the same yoke proves to be very unsatisfying to the farmer (II Cor. 6:14).
Question # 9
Have we established and agreed upon communication rules before marriage?
One survey of 21,500 married couples indicated the top category of predictive marital happiness was how they communicated with each other (Col 4:6). Have they agreed to stop interrupting and start listening (Prov. 18:13)? Are they going to refrain from name calling and start encouraging instead (Gal. 5:15)? Will they remain focused on one issue at a time and avoid hopping from one topic to another? Are they committed to acknowledging each other’s perspective without feeling threatened by the absence of agreement? Is there an effort to mirror back what is said in order to clarify the meaning of what is being said? Is there a commitment not to allow arguments to escalate in anger which results in destruction of the relationship (Eph. 4:27)? Have they agreed not to pout, withdraw or give the silent treatment? These are just a few of the “must discuss” aspects of commitment before the wedding.
Just a Beginning
Consider these basic starting points before you say, “I do.” Hundreds of hours of relationship pain can be prevented by mutually processing these basic topics. God does not bless the “knowers” of what it takes to have a mutually satisfying marriage. He only blesses the “doers” who put it into practice (James 1:25). God designed marriage. He knows how it works best.
From my good friend and colleague Shelia Benzon a member of counseling team of Living Foundation Ministries and a fellow member of the American Association of Christian Counselors
For a more complete outline of “Traps to Avoid in Choosing a Mate", go to http://www.lfmtools.org/
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
Resolving A Fight In Progress
Do not bring up that you want to divorce or separate in the heat of an argument. This is not a decision to make when you are upset as it will undoubtedly make the conflict worse. If your partner says they hate you and that they want to leave you or other hurtful things, remember that they are mad and probably don’t mean what they are saying. We all say things we don’t mean when we are angry. Don’t Say ... “I am leaving you”.... Do say... “I am leaving the room to go calm down, I need some timeout”.
Don’t make ultimatums or threats (they will only come back to haunt you). If you make someone do what you want by threatening them, it will be at the expense of their love for you and your relationship. Threats will rarely work anyway, as people do things more readily out of love and wanting to please others rather than fear. Threats only breed resentment. If your partner’s behavior is unacceptable you need to learn other skills and techniques to set boundaries for yourself and limit their behavior, threats will not work and will only escalate the fighting. Don’t say... “If you don’t stop saying that I will not come home tonight”... Do say... “I want to talk to you, but when you have calmed down and changed your tone of voice, I need to cool down too.”
Stop thinking you need your partner to do what you want them to right now. They cannot help you now as they are all tied up in dealing with their own negative emotions. Be wise and give both yourself and your partner some time and space.
Take care of your own hurt. If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some quiet time, do so, but say clearly where you are going, when you will be back and that you just need some time to cool off because you are too upset to talk anymore and you need some space to take care of yourself. If they will give you time alone without you leaving, then stay where you are, but do not be waiting for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down too. If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself. If you have kids reassure them that you are OK and that things are going to be alright. No matter how hurt you feel inside, be brave and strong for your kids, kids love strength in a parent and will love you for it. If you can, ask a neighbor to watch the kids for an hour or so and then do what you need to do to feel better. This might be listening to some calming music you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or even listening to the rain or a recording of rain sounds. If there is no one to watch the kids, take them out for a walk or to the park. Learning to soothe yourself and get back to being happy regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving is one of the most important skills you can learn.
Do not drink or use drugs or talk about the fight to someone else as these actions will only fuel your bad feelings. Also do not work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, punching a punching bag or chopping wood etc. It was once believed that this helped, but it has been shown in many research studies that it doesn’t and that instead doing something calming is much better. You will change how you feel by changing your focus. Focus on something calm and beautiful and your feelings will eventually go in that direction. Start by sitting or lying down or going for a walk. Give it a bit of time and the bad feelings will pass.
Decide that you are not going to think about the problem while you are upset. It can take nearly two days to calm down completely once you have really lost your cool. Make a note on a piece of paper about what first upset you, but decide to leave it till you are completely calm before you think about it or decide what you will do about it. The voice in our head that talks to us when we are angry tells us to do things that we will usually regret later. Smart and successful people do not listen to that voice and don’t take too personally what others say to us when they are angry or upset.
No matter how much you might feel like hurting your partner by saying or doing mean things, try and be honest about your own hurt instead. Say I feel very hurt about what you are saying and I need some time to think about it. I hope that we can get past this. You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that even though you are angry you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly). Having the courage to admit your hurt and vulnerability and also your love for them is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression and intimidation. Don’t say... “I have always hated you; you are a fat slob....” Do say... “I feel very hurt by what you are saying and I am angry at you, but I also really love you, so right now I need some time to calm down before I say anything that I don’t really mean.”
If your partner is not answering you, understand it may be because they are overwhelmed. This generally happens to men faster than women. When we are faced with criticism it is very human to reach a point where we just freeze up. Understand this and don’t assume that they are ignoring you or trying to hurt you further. Silence in a fight could mean emotional overload and you need to give them time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you. This may even take a day or two. Don’t say... “Stop ignoring me!”... Do say “I need some time to cool off and you probably do too - I am going to take some time out. I am not attacking you; I hope we can discuss this in a more friendly way when you are ready”.
Don’t ignore what the fight was about. Refer to the note you made about what triggered the fight a few days later once you are calm and decide what action needs to be taken. Anger is a clear sign that a boundary of yours has been crossed and you need to work on how you are going to defend it. Complaining to your partner about it will probably not help. Note: A boundary is just like it sounds, it is the line of what behavior you find comfortable accepting from others. If someone is rude to you for instance this line has been ‘trespassed’. Making note of what behaviors in others upset you, to consider later when you are calm and can figure out how you can stop that happening again. This is just as important as you calming yourself down in the heat of the moment. You can read more about boundaries in the book Boundaries by Dr.’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Don’t bring up the conversation again until you have decided how you are going to defend this boundary so it is not crossed again. You should leave this at least two or three days.
When you see your partner again be ready to offer an olive branch. When you see them again say that you need a few days to think about what you were fighting about and that you don’t want to talk about it right now. Try and be light and remember that admitting that you are sorry or embarrassed might be hard but is actually very attractive. You will have a chance later to work on the boundary that was crossed and what you can do to defend it better, but for now just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.
Don’t make excuses that the conflict must be resolved now. The more pressing the matter the more important it is that you take the time to calm down. If your partner is uncooperative and you need their help, then change your plan and organize things differently without expecting them to help. After practicing this you will get better at it. You will probably never change your initial reaction to anger or upset, but you can change how you respond to this reaction. Just like exercising a muscle, you will get better at this with practice. When you feel your emotions flare think “Now I have a great chance to exercise self control”. This is not about bottling up your emotions. Let them know that you are angry but also learn to regulate and control your response and to take note about what angered you and make sure you do take time to deal with it later once you are calm.
Practice these skills and you will see every aspect of your life improve...
Don’t make ultimatums or threats (they will only come back to haunt you). If you make someone do what you want by threatening them, it will be at the expense of their love for you and your relationship. Threats will rarely work anyway, as people do things more readily out of love and wanting to please others rather than fear. Threats only breed resentment. If your partner’s behavior is unacceptable you need to learn other skills and techniques to set boundaries for yourself and limit their behavior, threats will not work and will only escalate the fighting. Don’t say... “If you don’t stop saying that I will not come home tonight”... Do say... “I want to talk to you, but when you have calmed down and changed your tone of voice, I need to cool down too.”
Stop thinking you need your partner to do what you want them to right now. They cannot help you now as they are all tied up in dealing with their own negative emotions. Be wise and give both yourself and your partner some time and space.
Take care of your own hurt. If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some quiet time, do so, but say clearly where you are going, when you will be back and that you just need some time to cool off because you are too upset to talk anymore and you need some space to take care of yourself. If they will give you time alone without you leaving, then stay where you are, but do not be waiting for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down too. If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself. If you have kids reassure them that you are OK and that things are going to be alright. No matter how hurt you feel inside, be brave and strong for your kids, kids love strength in a parent and will love you for it. If you can, ask a neighbor to watch the kids for an hour or so and then do what you need to do to feel better. This might be listening to some calming music you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or even listening to the rain or a recording of rain sounds. If there is no one to watch the kids, take them out for a walk or to the park. Learning to soothe yourself and get back to being happy regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving is one of the most important skills you can learn.
Do not drink or use drugs or talk about the fight to someone else as these actions will only fuel your bad feelings. Also do not work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, punching a punching bag or chopping wood etc. It was once believed that this helped, but it has been shown in many research studies that it doesn’t and that instead doing something calming is much better. You will change how you feel by changing your focus. Focus on something calm and beautiful and your feelings will eventually go in that direction. Start by sitting or lying down or going for a walk. Give it a bit of time and the bad feelings will pass.
Decide that you are not going to think about the problem while you are upset. It can take nearly two days to calm down completely once you have really lost your cool. Make a note on a piece of paper about what first upset you, but decide to leave it till you are completely calm before you think about it or decide what you will do about it. The voice in our head that talks to us when we are angry tells us to do things that we will usually regret later. Smart and successful people do not listen to that voice and don’t take too personally what others say to us when they are angry or upset.
No matter how much you might feel like hurting your partner by saying or doing mean things, try and be honest about your own hurt instead. Say I feel very hurt about what you are saying and I need some time to think about it. I hope that we can get past this. You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that even though you are angry you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly). Having the courage to admit your hurt and vulnerability and also your love for them is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression and intimidation. Don’t say... “I have always hated you; you are a fat slob....” Do say... “I feel very hurt by what you are saying and I am angry at you, but I also really love you, so right now I need some time to calm down before I say anything that I don’t really mean.”
If your partner is not answering you, understand it may be because they are overwhelmed. This generally happens to men faster than women. When we are faced with criticism it is very human to reach a point where we just freeze up. Understand this and don’t assume that they are ignoring you or trying to hurt you further. Silence in a fight could mean emotional overload and you need to give them time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you. This may even take a day or two. Don’t say... “Stop ignoring me!”... Do say “I need some time to cool off and you probably do too - I am going to take some time out. I am not attacking you; I hope we can discuss this in a more friendly way when you are ready”.
Don’t ignore what the fight was about. Refer to the note you made about what triggered the fight a few days later once you are calm and decide what action needs to be taken. Anger is a clear sign that a boundary of yours has been crossed and you need to work on how you are going to defend it. Complaining to your partner about it will probably not help. Note: A boundary is just like it sounds, it is the line of what behavior you find comfortable accepting from others. If someone is rude to you for instance this line has been ‘trespassed’. Making note of what behaviors in others upset you, to consider later when you are calm and can figure out how you can stop that happening again. This is just as important as you calming yourself down in the heat of the moment. You can read more about boundaries in the book Boundaries by Dr.’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Don’t bring up the conversation again until you have decided how you are going to defend this boundary so it is not crossed again. You should leave this at least two or three days.
When you see your partner again be ready to offer an olive branch. When you see them again say that you need a few days to think about what you were fighting about and that you don’t want to talk about it right now. Try and be light and remember that admitting that you are sorry or embarrassed might be hard but is actually very attractive. You will have a chance later to work on the boundary that was crossed and what you can do to defend it better, but for now just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.
Don’t make excuses that the conflict must be resolved now. The more pressing the matter the more important it is that you take the time to calm down. If your partner is uncooperative and you need their help, then change your plan and organize things differently without expecting them to help. After practicing this you will get better at it. You will probably never change your initial reaction to anger or upset, but you can change how you respond to this reaction. Just like exercising a muscle, you will get better at this with practice. When you feel your emotions flare think “Now I have a great chance to exercise self control”. This is not about bottling up your emotions. Let them know that you are angry but also learn to regulate and control your response and to take note about what angered you and make sure you do take time to deal with it later once you are calm.
Practice these skills and you will see every aspect of your life improve...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Life Out Who You Are
I ran across this today and wanted to share it with you...
Life Out Who You Are
by Dr. Bill Gillham
If you are saved, but believe that you are half evil and half good, you will live a confused, roller coaster life on this planet, tossed about on the horns of whatever temptation seems to be your besetting sin. Continue to live like this and you will ultimately swallow the lie that you are actually not half evil and half good but, are more like 90% evil, alas, even 100% evil and zero good, misinterpreting Romans 7:18 by stating, "No good thing dwells in me…" the man is talking about his flesh, not his soul or spirit. Listen, brother, if you get a splinter in your foot do you become a totem pole? No, you have wood "dwelling in you." Neither if you have "evil present in you" does that make you evil? Finish the verse (Romans 7:21) to find out your identity. You are the "one who wishes to do good." You’re the good guy if you are a new creation in Christ. That "evil present in you (in your body)" is the power of sin, an agent of Satan. It’s not you!
Make no mistake about it, you will "life out" whatever you believe your true identity is! Believe you are a saint who sins at times, but who hates it and you’ll be highly motivated to line up your behavior to coincide with your identity. Believe you are totally evil, and it will come as no shock to you that you commit several hundred sins a day. You will live a defeated Christian life.
Is it any wonder that I believe it to be critically important that the church discover who we are?
Learn more about Dr. Bill Gillham and Lifetime Guarantee Ministries; go to www.lifetime.org
Life Out Who You Are
by Dr. Bill Gillham
If you are saved, but believe that you are half evil and half good, you will live a confused, roller coaster life on this planet, tossed about on the horns of whatever temptation seems to be your besetting sin. Continue to live like this and you will ultimately swallow the lie that you are actually not half evil and half good but, are more like 90% evil, alas, even 100% evil and zero good, misinterpreting Romans 7:18 by stating, "No good thing dwells in me…" the man is talking about his flesh, not his soul or spirit. Listen, brother, if you get a splinter in your foot do you become a totem pole? No, you have wood "dwelling in you." Neither if you have "evil present in you" does that make you evil? Finish the verse (Romans 7:21) to find out your identity. You are the "one who wishes to do good." You’re the good guy if you are a new creation in Christ. That "evil present in you (in your body)" is the power of sin, an agent of Satan. It’s not you!
Make no mistake about it, you will "life out" whatever you believe your true identity is! Believe you are a saint who sins at times, but who hates it and you’ll be highly motivated to line up your behavior to coincide with your identity. Believe you are totally evil, and it will come as no shock to you that you commit several hundred sins a day. You will live a defeated Christian life.
Is it any wonder that I believe it to be critically important that the church discover who we are?
Learn more about Dr. Bill Gillham and Lifetime Guarantee Ministries; go to www.lifetime.org
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Your Answer Is At The Door
I ran across this today and just had to share it with y'all. What really struck me was what I have taken the liberty to put into boldface. Be blessed!
July 15, 2008
Your Answer is at the Door
Rev. James C. Matthews
"So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him' ... 'Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists'. ... 'When this had dawned on him, he went to the house of Mary the mother of John, also called Mark, where many people had gathered and were praying. Peter knocked at the outer entrance, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" "You're out of your mind," they told her. When she kept insisting that it was so, they said, "It must be his angel." But Peter kept on knocking, and when they opened the door and saw him, they were astonished. (Acts 12:5,7,12-16, NIV)
One morning during my prayer and devotion time, I ran across a scripture that stopped me in my tracks. There was something in the text that God wanted me to see. So I backed up and reread the text again. Then it hit me! These believers, who were praying earnestly, weren't expecting their prayers to be answered. I said to myself: "How can this be? How can we pray "earnestly" for something and not believe our answer when it arrives?" God revealed to me that this happens all the time. He sends answers to our prayers and they are returned to Him stamped “Unclaimed."
Why is this? How can we take the time to pray and not expect our answer or recognize it when it comes knocking? I believe there are three main reasons why this happens.
First, is a "lack of expectation" due to "past experiences". In looking at the context of this scripture, these individuals had experienced fellow believers being killed, even after they prayed for their release. They had endured the stoning of Stephen, the slaying of James and now their leader Peter was scheduled to be next. Those who were in the house praying, told the young girl who reported that their prayers had been answered, that she was "out of her mind". However, we must remember that our past experiences or failures do not determine or dictate God's present or future course of action. Many of the most difficult things that hinder our forward movement in life, are not the things that lay ahead of us, but those things that are behind us that distract us from what is happening in our lives now. We must expect God to answer our prayers and be on the look out for its manifestation in our lives, regardless of what happened yesterday. The Bible says that “he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
Secondly, prayer in the lives of many believers, has been minimized to being nothing more than a "religious activity or responsibility", instead of it being the heaven moving gift of God. When we lose sight of the fact that we are calling upon an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Creator God of the universe, who also happens to be “our Father”, we can become overwhelmed by the severity of our situation. We must understand that we are not calling upon another human being or some distant disinterested deity - but our Father who has no limitations. If I can find it in His Word, and agree with what He has said, the facts of my situation will have to line up with the truth of His word. Facts change everyday, but the truth never changes. Because I've decided to believe the truth above the fluctuating facts, I have a legitimate expectation of manifestation (answered prayer) in my life. Prayer is more than religion or a believer's responsibility, but a relationship with our Father!
Thirdly, “God's ways are not our ways”. I truly believe, that part of the difficulty those gathered in prayer had in receiving their answer, was that it seemed “too easy”. They prayed and God answered their prayer. It was that simple! Believe it or not, this happens more often than you think. I've discovered that many of us overlook our answers because we “feel” that we haven't toiled, labored or suffered enough to have earned an answer from God. Remember, you are a “son”, not a slave! You don't earn blessings - you receive them! Jesus said, in Matthew 7:11, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Therefore, what have you been praying to God about? Did you know that God is your Father and He wants to bless you? Do you expect your prayer to be answered? If not, you need to take a good look around, because the answer to your prayer may have already arrived, and waiting on you to receive it!
Pastor James C. (J.C.) Matthews is the founder and Senior Pastor of the multi-cultural non-denominational Dunamis Life Ministries of Dallas, Texas. Pastor Matthews is known for his love of God's Word, unusual wisdom, passionate preaching style and gift of practically applying scripture to everyday. He is the author of the Saved but Stuck: 30 Days to Personal Revival". "I'll Come... When I Get Myself Together" and "My Situation Is Not My Destination - Only Preparation". J.C. Matthews lives in the Dallas / Ft. Worth Texas area with his wife Gena and four children.
© Rev. James C. Matthews all rights reserved.
July 15, 2008
Your Answer is at the Door
Rev. James C. Matthews
"So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him' ... 'Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists'. ... 'When this had dawned on him, he went to the house of Mary the mother of John, also called Mark, where many people had gathered and were praying. Peter knocked at the outer entrance, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" "You're out of your mind," they told her. When she kept insisting that it was so, they said, "It must be his angel." But Peter kept on knocking, and when they opened the door and saw him, they were astonished. (Acts 12:5,7,12-16, NIV)
One morning during my prayer and devotion time, I ran across a scripture that stopped me in my tracks. There was something in the text that God wanted me to see. So I backed up and reread the text again. Then it hit me! These believers, who were praying earnestly, weren't expecting their prayers to be answered. I said to myself: "How can this be? How can we pray "earnestly" for something and not believe our answer when it arrives?" God revealed to me that this happens all the time. He sends answers to our prayers and they are returned to Him stamped “Unclaimed."
Why is this? How can we take the time to pray and not expect our answer or recognize it when it comes knocking? I believe there are three main reasons why this happens.
First, is a "lack of expectation" due to "past experiences". In looking at the context of this scripture, these individuals had experienced fellow believers being killed, even after they prayed for their release. They had endured the stoning of Stephen, the slaying of James and now their leader Peter was scheduled to be next. Those who were in the house praying, told the young girl who reported that their prayers had been answered, that she was "out of her mind". However, we must remember that our past experiences or failures do not determine or dictate God's present or future course of action. Many of the most difficult things that hinder our forward movement in life, are not the things that lay ahead of us, but those things that are behind us that distract us from what is happening in our lives now. We must expect God to answer our prayers and be on the look out for its manifestation in our lives, regardless of what happened yesterday. The Bible says that “he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
Secondly, prayer in the lives of many believers, has been minimized to being nothing more than a "religious activity or responsibility", instead of it being the heaven moving gift of God. When we lose sight of the fact that we are calling upon an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Creator God of the universe, who also happens to be “our Father”, we can become overwhelmed by the severity of our situation. We must understand that we are not calling upon another human being or some distant disinterested deity - but our Father who has no limitations. If I can find it in His Word, and agree with what He has said, the facts of my situation will have to line up with the truth of His word. Facts change everyday, but the truth never changes. Because I've decided to believe the truth above the fluctuating facts, I have a legitimate expectation of manifestation (answered prayer) in my life. Prayer is more than religion or a believer's responsibility, but a relationship with our Father!
Thirdly, “God's ways are not our ways”. I truly believe, that part of the difficulty those gathered in prayer had in receiving their answer, was that it seemed “too easy”. They prayed and God answered their prayer. It was that simple! Believe it or not, this happens more often than you think. I've discovered that many of us overlook our answers because we “feel” that we haven't toiled, labored or suffered enough to have earned an answer from God. Remember, you are a “son”, not a slave! You don't earn blessings - you receive them! Jesus said, in Matthew 7:11, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Therefore, what have you been praying to God about? Did you know that God is your Father and He wants to bless you? Do you expect your prayer to be answered? If not, you need to take a good look around, because the answer to your prayer may have already arrived, and waiting on you to receive it!
Pastor James C. (J.C.) Matthews is the founder and Senior Pastor of the multi-cultural non-denominational Dunamis Life Ministries of Dallas, Texas. Pastor Matthews is known for his love of God's Word, unusual wisdom, passionate preaching style and gift of practically applying scripture to everyday. He is the author of the Saved but Stuck: 30 Days to Personal Revival". "I'll Come... When I Get Myself Together" and "My Situation Is Not My Destination - Only Preparation". J.C. Matthews lives in the Dallas / Ft. Worth Texas area with his wife Gena and four children.
© Rev. James C. Matthews all rights reserved.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Personal Responsibility
Realize there is a Struggle
It would be naïve to believe that counselees will readily do what they are encouraged to do. In the back of their minds, they have a gain-loss scale. They weigh, “What will I gain if I do what I should do or what will I lose if I choose not to do it?” They need encouragement to do the next right thing.
Identify Responsibilities
People are charged in Scripture “If possible, as much as it depends on you (in your circle of responsibility), live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). God gives incredible power to those in a conflict to honestly identify what is happening; assign who is responsible for what; personally assume what responsibility has been assigned; then fulfill what is in their own circle of personal responsibility. God only blesses and empowers the “fulfillers” who do what is in their circle of responsibility (James 1:25).
Motivate to be Responsible
Just identifying a person’s personal responsibility in a conflict does not guarantee they will follow through with it. Your task is to explain the incredible benefits of doing the next right thing in their circle. These benefits will tap into God’s power for personal responsibility. What are those benefits?
Focus
Most counselees have little focus or direction for their lives. Identifying and fulfilling their personal responsibilities will give them specific direction and something to focus on when chaos breaks out around them. They will be able to say, “I know what is the next right thing to do” (Joshua 24:15).
Purpose
One of the major losses experienced by Adam and Eve after they sinned was a loss of purpose in life. Chronic boredom is one of the results of a loss of purpose. When a person clearly identifies their personal responsibility, they can say, “I have something to live for” (Philippians 1:21).
Accomplishment
Counselees often say, “I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere!” If they identify and fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility each day, then they can measure their progress and say, “I feel like I’m getting somewhere.” Each step of doing the right thing is equivalent to passing the next mile marker on a major highway. With the Apostle Paul they can declare, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race (completed all that was in my circle), I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7)
Security
Most conflicts destabilize a person emotionally and tap into their insecurities. Once they clearly know what to do, instability gives way to solid security. They know what they should do or not do which reduces emotional vacillation and results in greater peace. When they have done what God expects them to do, they can stand in secure peace (Ephesians 6:13b).
Calm
Visualize tension in relationships as two people pulling on a rope in opposite directions. It only takes one person to let go or move forward to reduce tension on the rope. Often when one person in a conflict begins to fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility, it will reduce tension in them whether or not there is a change in the other person. That’s what the Apostle Paul was referring to when he stated, “…as much as it depends on you (your end of the rope), be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).
Harmony
Discord is heard in an orchestra when an instrument is not properly tuned to the oboe or the right notes are not played. The counselee’s task is to tune their words, actions and attitudes to God’s word which will greatly increase the possibility of harmony. Their task is to tune their own instrument and play their assigned notes, regardless what others play. Sour notes played by others do not excuse the counselee from staying tuned to God’s word and playing the notes assigned to their instrument (I Peter 3:8.9; Philippians 4:3).
Healing
The power of personal responsibility holds the greatest possibility for healing relationships. When one person acknowledges where they were wrong and confesses it, then it can motivate the other offender to do the same. Jesus taught that whether you offend someone (Matthew 5:23-24) or they offend you (Matthew 18:15-17), it is in your circle of responsibility to go to them and seek to heal the relationship. The Apostle Paul recognized that at the end of this age, people will tend to be irreconcilable (2 Timothy 3:3). But the counselee could lay the groundwork for relational healing if they harness the power of their responsibility and fulfill it.
Witness
People around the world who reject the Christian church tend do so on two grounds; it’s boring and it’s irrelevant. One of the most powerful sources of witness is when a believer puts into practice in his everyday life what he believes. People who are responsible are in great demand. When you fulfill what is legitimately in your circle of responsibility and graciously refuse what’s not in it, unbelievers stand amazed and state, “You really practice your religion, don’t you? “ A responsible person emits a powerful witness (Matthew 5:16).
Anticipation
Each believer is going to stand before God and have all his works judged for the purpose of rewards (2 Corinthians 5:10). Sin will not be the issue here because the blood of Christ has washed it all away (Romans 3:24, 25). But when the believer stands before God, he will only be judged for what he did or did not do in his own circle of responsibility. He will not be held accountable for what others have done in their circles.
A believer who has been a “doer of the word” in his everyday life can anticipate with gladness all that God has in store for him to enjoy forever. After the Apostle Paul affirmed he had fought the good fight, finished his race (circle of responsibility), he then confidently stated, “…there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me.” Paul goes on to say, “and not to me only, but also to all who have loved His appearing” (2 Timothy 4:8). The power of personal responsibility, not only can energize the counselee now, but can excite him to anticipate the incredible rewards that he can enjoy forever.
Summary
The power of personal responsibility can:
Keep you focused.
Give you purpose.
Deepen your security.
Calm your emotions.
Establish your witness.
Heal your relationships.
Anticipate your reward.
Chuck Lynch’s book, You Can Work It Out, covers these and many other hard questions based on the principle of personal responsibility. It can be ordered through the Living Foundation Ministries office for $13 each. LFM will cover the shipping and handling (within the U.S.). No proceeds from this book go to the author.
Living Foundation Ministries
611 NW R.D. Mize Rd.
Blue Springs, MO 64014
(816) 229-5000
It would be naïve to believe that counselees will readily do what they are encouraged to do. In the back of their minds, they have a gain-loss scale. They weigh, “What will I gain if I do what I should do or what will I lose if I choose not to do it?” They need encouragement to do the next right thing.
Identify Responsibilities
People are charged in Scripture “If possible, as much as it depends on you (in your circle of responsibility), live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). God gives incredible power to those in a conflict to honestly identify what is happening; assign who is responsible for what; personally assume what responsibility has been assigned; then fulfill what is in their own circle of personal responsibility. God only blesses and empowers the “fulfillers” who do what is in their circle of responsibility (James 1:25).
Motivate to be Responsible
Just identifying a person’s personal responsibility in a conflict does not guarantee they will follow through with it. Your task is to explain the incredible benefits of doing the next right thing in their circle. These benefits will tap into God’s power for personal responsibility. What are those benefits?
Focus
Most counselees have little focus or direction for their lives. Identifying and fulfilling their personal responsibilities will give them specific direction and something to focus on when chaos breaks out around them. They will be able to say, “I know what is the next right thing to do” (Joshua 24:15).
Purpose
One of the major losses experienced by Adam and Eve after they sinned was a loss of purpose in life. Chronic boredom is one of the results of a loss of purpose. When a person clearly identifies their personal responsibility, they can say, “I have something to live for” (Philippians 1:21).
Accomplishment
Counselees often say, “I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere!” If they identify and fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility each day, then they can measure their progress and say, “I feel like I’m getting somewhere.” Each step of doing the right thing is equivalent to passing the next mile marker on a major highway. With the Apostle Paul they can declare, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race (completed all that was in my circle), I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7)
Security
Most conflicts destabilize a person emotionally and tap into their insecurities. Once they clearly know what to do, instability gives way to solid security. They know what they should do or not do which reduces emotional vacillation and results in greater peace. When they have done what God expects them to do, they can stand in secure peace (Ephesians 6:13b).
Calm
Visualize tension in relationships as two people pulling on a rope in opposite directions. It only takes one person to let go or move forward to reduce tension on the rope. Often when one person in a conflict begins to fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility, it will reduce tension in them whether or not there is a change in the other person. That’s what the Apostle Paul was referring to when he stated, “…as much as it depends on you (your end of the rope), be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).
Harmony
Discord is heard in an orchestra when an instrument is not properly tuned to the oboe or the right notes are not played. The counselee’s task is to tune their words, actions and attitudes to God’s word which will greatly increase the possibility of harmony. Their task is to tune their own instrument and play their assigned notes, regardless what others play. Sour notes played by others do not excuse the counselee from staying tuned to God’s word and playing the notes assigned to their instrument (I Peter 3:8.9; Philippians 4:3).
Healing
The power of personal responsibility holds the greatest possibility for healing relationships. When one person acknowledges where they were wrong and confesses it, then it can motivate the other offender to do the same. Jesus taught that whether you offend someone (Matthew 5:23-24) or they offend you (Matthew 18:15-17), it is in your circle of responsibility to go to them and seek to heal the relationship. The Apostle Paul recognized that at the end of this age, people will tend to be irreconcilable (2 Timothy 3:3). But the counselee could lay the groundwork for relational healing if they harness the power of their responsibility and fulfill it.
Witness
People around the world who reject the Christian church tend do so on two grounds; it’s boring and it’s irrelevant. One of the most powerful sources of witness is when a believer puts into practice in his everyday life what he believes. People who are responsible are in great demand. When you fulfill what is legitimately in your circle of responsibility and graciously refuse what’s not in it, unbelievers stand amazed and state, “You really practice your religion, don’t you? “ A responsible person emits a powerful witness (Matthew 5:16).
Anticipation
Each believer is going to stand before God and have all his works judged for the purpose of rewards (2 Corinthians 5:10). Sin will not be the issue here because the blood of Christ has washed it all away (Romans 3:24, 25). But when the believer stands before God, he will only be judged for what he did or did not do in his own circle of responsibility. He will not be held accountable for what others have done in their circles.
A believer who has been a “doer of the word” in his everyday life can anticipate with gladness all that God has in store for him to enjoy forever. After the Apostle Paul affirmed he had fought the good fight, finished his race (circle of responsibility), he then confidently stated, “…there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me.” Paul goes on to say, “and not to me only, but also to all who have loved His appearing” (2 Timothy 4:8). The power of personal responsibility, not only can energize the counselee now, but can excite him to anticipate the incredible rewards that he can enjoy forever.
Summary
The power of personal responsibility can:
Keep you focused.
Give you purpose.
Deepen your security.
Calm your emotions.
Establish your witness.
Heal your relationships.
Anticipate your reward.
Chuck Lynch’s book, You Can Work It Out, covers these and many other hard questions based on the principle of personal responsibility. It can be ordered through the Living Foundation Ministries office for $13 each. LFM will cover the shipping and handling (within the U.S.). No proceeds from this book go to the author.
Living Foundation Ministries
611 NW R.D. Mize Rd.
Blue Springs, MO 64014
(816) 229-5000
Friday, February 22, 2008
Living With A Self Centered Person
Every one of us struggles with selfishness. Usually we can be reasoned with and come up with a mutually agreeable solution, but not so for the extreme self-centered person (narcissist).
Characteristics of the Self-Centered Person
He (or she) has unrealistic expectations of others; manipulates them to cater to his every need; is easily insulted; can be verbally and sometimes physically abusive; makes others responsible for his feelings but has a total lack of empathy for others; chronically shifts blame to others for his problems and mistakes; can have sudden mood swings; rewrites historical events to avoid any personal responsibility; conveys one personality in public and a totally different one in private; discounts others’ opinions; appoints self as the final authority; controls others; feels entitled to be treated differently than others; is uncooperative; acts superior; craves adoration.
Biblical Understanding of the Self-Centered Person
The self-centered person has accepted Satan’s offer to Eve to be like God (Gen. 3:5). When a believer removes God from the center of this life and puts self on the throne, he is controlled by the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21), not by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22, 23). The unbeliever doesn’t have God in his life so self reigns on the throne of his life. . .
How to Respond to the Self-Centered Person
1. Affirm to yourself your true identity in Christ and not what you are told by the self-centered person (Gal. 2:20).
2. Review often in your mind who you are in Christ:
I am deeply loved (Rom 5:8), accepted (Rom 15:7), righteous (2 Cor. 5:17), adopted (Eph. 1:5), chosen (Eph.1:4), sealed (Eph.1:13), protected (Phil 4:7), blessed (Eph.1:3) and pardoned (Rom. 8:1).
3. Remember, the self-centered person cannot alter or change who you are because you were reborn with Christ’s identity. The self-centered person does not define you. God does! (I Cor. 1:2)
4. Recognize that verbal attacks, criticism and demeaning comments are actually coming from Satan through the self-centered person to you. Satan used Peter’s voice to try to divert Jesus from going to the cross (Matt. 18:23). The self-centered person’s goal is to devalue who you are in Christ. Whatever his tactics, the self-centered person is totally responsible for his words (Matt. 12:35-37).
5. Recommit yourself to the Lord daily. Jesus recommitted Himself often to His heavenly Father (I Peter 2: 23).
6. Be assured that God knows the facts that the self-centered person may be trying to distort in yours or other’s thinking (I Peter 2:23).
7. Respond from a position of confident security in Christ and self-control from the Holy Spirit (Heb. 10:35; Is. 30:15b). Never defend the flesh. It’s futile.
8. Remind yourself that you may lose in time, even with your godly response, but you will win in eternity (2 Cor. 4:7). The self-centered person may “win” in time but will lose in eternity, either his rewards as a believer (2 Cor. 5:10) or eternal destruction as an unbeliever (Rev. 20:11-15).
9. Identify and fulfill what is in your own circle of responsibility (Rom. 12:18). The self-centered person will shrink his circle of responsibility and attempt to expand yours and make you responsible for everything. Don’t assume what’s not yours.
10. Maintain your own mental, physical and spiritual health at all costs (I Thess. 5:23; 2 Peter 3:18; I Tim. 6:6).
11. Avoid traps that are set for you to act like him so he can come back and say “Look who’s talking and you call yourself a Christian?” These are “got you” traps (2 Cor. 2:11; I Peter 3:9).
12. Develop a response plan that will reflect your godly character and not his sinful response patterns (I Peter 3:9).
13. Emotionally detach enough so that his mood swings do not put you on an emotional roller-coaster. You do not need his cooperation to maintain your own emotional and spiritual integrity. Why? Because you are controlled by the Holy Spirit, not his attitude (Gal. 5:22, 23).
14. Remain firm, confident and respectful in spite of his goal to make you incompetent and lose control of yourself (Is. 30:15b).
15. Avoid the spears of verbal, critical attacks that are thrown at you just as David did when King Saul tried to kill him (I Sam. 19:10). How? When they are thrown, duck and let them hit the wall by reaffirming to yourself, “This is not about me. This is about him.” (Phil. 1:27, 28)
16. Allow the self-centered person to experience the consequences for his actions. This is one way to convey to him that you intend to be taken seriously (Gal. 6:7). When we do not listen to God’s Word, He sends His works. The book of Judges illustrates this pattern.
17. Maintain respect. The self-centered person craves adoration and control. God said we have to at least remain respectful. You can say, “No” respectfully and or refuse to play angry games or allow yourself to be manipulated (Eph. 5:33; Acts 23:1-5; I Peter 2:17).
18. Hold to your biblical convictions at all costs because he will twist scripture to control you (I Peter 1:13; I Tim, 4:16; 2 Tim. 1:13).
19. Accept the fact that you probably are not going to have the self-centered person’s approval. He knows very little about validating another person. You are totally secure in Christ.
20. Accept the truth that the self-centered person will be insensitive (Phil. 2:21). No pleading on your part is going to change that. Draw your comfort from God (2 Cor.1:4) and other believers (Gal. 6:2). Only God can change him (John 16:8).
21. Establish reasonable boundaries with appropriate consequences. You only build a fence around something that is valuable. See yourself as valuable in Christ (Matt. 6:26). Put a stop to the boundary violations or remove yourself from the violator. If you do not see yourself as valuable in Christ, you will not be able to set legitimate boundaries.
22. Grant forgiveness on a daily basis to prevent your spirit from becoming bitter (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is what you grant. Trust is what he has to earn (Prov. 18:19).
23. Understand that you are not trapped. Biblically you can choose to stay in the situation without any change (I Cor. 7:10) or you can separate and remain single or separate and be reconciled (I Cor. 7:11). There may be other choices, but these are three clear ones.
24. Pray for them (Matt. 5:44) that God will break through their denial, arrogance and roots of anger then draw them to Himself. Without a change of heart all behavioral changes are temporary.
Unfortunately, no relationship means much to the self-centered person, neither do tragic events. You can see this in the life of Pharaoh (Ex. 4:14). God warns us that one of the characteristics of the end times is that men will be lovers of themselves (2 Tim. 3:2). Your task is to remain godly in your responses, stay in your circle of responsibility, establish healthy boundaries and forgive regularly. Nothing may change, but your heart and spirit will grow through your godly response and this finds great favor in the sight of God (I Peter 2:20).
Characteristics of the Self-Centered Person
He (or she) has unrealistic expectations of others; manipulates them to cater to his every need; is easily insulted; can be verbally and sometimes physically abusive; makes others responsible for his feelings but has a total lack of empathy for others; chronically shifts blame to others for his problems and mistakes; can have sudden mood swings; rewrites historical events to avoid any personal responsibility; conveys one personality in public and a totally different one in private; discounts others’ opinions; appoints self as the final authority; controls others; feels entitled to be treated differently than others; is uncooperative; acts superior; craves adoration.
Biblical Understanding of the Self-Centered Person
The self-centered person has accepted Satan’s offer to Eve to be like God (Gen. 3:5). When a believer removes God from the center of this life and puts self on the throne, he is controlled by the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21), not by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22, 23). The unbeliever doesn’t have God in his life so self reigns on the throne of his life. . .
How to Respond to the Self-Centered Person
1. Affirm to yourself your true identity in Christ and not what you are told by the self-centered person (Gal. 2:20).
2. Review often in your mind who you are in Christ:
I am deeply loved (Rom 5:8), accepted (Rom 15:7), righteous (2 Cor. 5:17), adopted (Eph. 1:5), chosen (Eph.1:4), sealed (Eph.1:13), protected (Phil 4:7), blessed (Eph.1:3) and pardoned (Rom. 8:1).
3. Remember, the self-centered person cannot alter or change who you are because you were reborn with Christ’s identity. The self-centered person does not define you. God does! (I Cor. 1:2)
4. Recognize that verbal attacks, criticism and demeaning comments are actually coming from Satan through the self-centered person to you. Satan used Peter’s voice to try to divert Jesus from going to the cross (Matt. 18:23). The self-centered person’s goal is to devalue who you are in Christ. Whatever his tactics, the self-centered person is totally responsible for his words (Matt. 12:35-37).
5. Recommit yourself to the Lord daily. Jesus recommitted Himself often to His heavenly Father (I Peter 2: 23).
6. Be assured that God knows the facts that the self-centered person may be trying to distort in yours or other’s thinking (I Peter 2:23).
7. Respond from a position of confident security in Christ and self-control from the Holy Spirit (Heb. 10:35; Is. 30:15b). Never defend the flesh. It’s futile.
8. Remind yourself that you may lose in time, even with your godly response, but you will win in eternity (2 Cor. 4:7). The self-centered person may “win” in time but will lose in eternity, either his rewards as a believer (2 Cor. 5:10) or eternal destruction as an unbeliever (Rev. 20:11-15).
9. Identify and fulfill what is in your own circle of responsibility (Rom. 12:18). The self-centered person will shrink his circle of responsibility and attempt to expand yours and make you responsible for everything. Don’t assume what’s not yours.
10. Maintain your own mental, physical and spiritual health at all costs (I Thess. 5:23; 2 Peter 3:18; I Tim. 6:6).
11. Avoid traps that are set for you to act like him so he can come back and say “Look who’s talking and you call yourself a Christian?” These are “got you” traps (2 Cor. 2:11; I Peter 3:9).
12. Develop a response plan that will reflect your godly character and not his sinful response patterns (I Peter 3:9).
13. Emotionally detach enough so that his mood swings do not put you on an emotional roller-coaster. You do not need his cooperation to maintain your own emotional and spiritual integrity. Why? Because you are controlled by the Holy Spirit, not his attitude (Gal. 5:22, 23).
14. Remain firm, confident and respectful in spite of his goal to make you incompetent and lose control of yourself (Is. 30:15b).
15. Avoid the spears of verbal, critical attacks that are thrown at you just as David did when King Saul tried to kill him (I Sam. 19:10). How? When they are thrown, duck and let them hit the wall by reaffirming to yourself, “This is not about me. This is about him.” (Phil. 1:27, 28)
16. Allow the self-centered person to experience the consequences for his actions. This is one way to convey to him that you intend to be taken seriously (Gal. 6:7). When we do not listen to God’s Word, He sends His works. The book of Judges illustrates this pattern.
17. Maintain respect. The self-centered person craves adoration and control. God said we have to at least remain respectful. You can say, “No” respectfully and or refuse to play angry games or allow yourself to be manipulated (Eph. 5:33; Acts 23:1-5; I Peter 2:17).
18. Hold to your biblical convictions at all costs because he will twist scripture to control you (I Peter 1:13; I Tim, 4:16; 2 Tim. 1:13).
19. Accept the fact that you probably are not going to have the self-centered person’s approval. He knows very little about validating another person. You are totally secure in Christ.
20. Accept the truth that the self-centered person will be insensitive (Phil. 2:21). No pleading on your part is going to change that. Draw your comfort from God (2 Cor.1:4) and other believers (Gal. 6:2). Only God can change him (John 16:8).
21. Establish reasonable boundaries with appropriate consequences. You only build a fence around something that is valuable. See yourself as valuable in Christ (Matt. 6:26). Put a stop to the boundary violations or remove yourself from the violator. If you do not see yourself as valuable in Christ, you will not be able to set legitimate boundaries.
22. Grant forgiveness on a daily basis to prevent your spirit from becoming bitter (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is what you grant. Trust is what he has to earn (Prov. 18:19).
23. Understand that you are not trapped. Biblically you can choose to stay in the situation without any change (I Cor. 7:10) or you can separate and remain single or separate and be reconciled (I Cor. 7:11). There may be other choices, but these are three clear ones.
24. Pray for them (Matt. 5:44) that God will break through their denial, arrogance and roots of anger then draw them to Himself. Without a change of heart all behavioral changes are temporary.
Unfortunately, no relationship means much to the self-centered person, neither do tragic events. You can see this in the life of Pharaoh (Ex. 4:14). God warns us that one of the characteristics of the end times is that men will be lovers of themselves (2 Tim. 3:2). Your task is to remain godly in your responses, stay in your circle of responsibility, establish healthy boundaries and forgive regularly. Nothing may change, but your heart and spirit will grow through your godly response and this finds great favor in the sight of God (I Peter 2:20).
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