Do not bring up that you want to divorce or separate in the heat of an argument. This is not a decision to make when you are upset as it will undoubtedly make the conflict worse. If your partner says they hate you and that they want to leave you or other hurtful things, remember that they are mad and probably don’t mean what they are saying. We all say things we don’t mean when we are angry. Don’t Say ... “I am leaving you”.... Do say... “I am leaving the room to go calm down, I need some timeout”.
Don’t make ultimatums or threats (they will only come back to haunt you). If you make someone do what you want by threatening them, it will be at the expense of their love for you and your relationship. Threats will rarely work anyway, as people do things more readily out of love and wanting to please others rather than fear. Threats only breed resentment. If your partner’s behavior is unacceptable you need to learn other skills and techniques to set boundaries for yourself and limit their behavior, threats will not work and will only escalate the fighting. Don’t say... “If you don’t stop saying that I will not come home tonight”... Do say... “I want to talk to you, but when you have calmed down and changed your tone of voice, I need to cool down too.”
Stop thinking you need your partner to do what you want them to right now. They cannot help you now as they are all tied up in dealing with their own negative emotions. Be wise and give both yourself and your partner some time and space.
Take care of your own hurt. If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some quiet time, do so, but say clearly where you are going, when you will be back and that you just need some time to cool off because you are too upset to talk anymore and you need some space to take care of yourself. If they will give you time alone without you leaving, then stay where you are, but do not be waiting for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down too. If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself. If you have kids reassure them that you are OK and that things are going to be alright. No matter how hurt you feel inside, be brave and strong for your kids, kids love strength in a parent and will love you for it. If you can, ask a neighbor to watch the kids for an hour or so and then do what you need to do to feel better. This might be listening to some calming music you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or even listening to the rain or a recording of rain sounds. If there is no one to watch the kids, take them out for a walk or to the park. Learning to soothe yourself and get back to being happy regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving is one of the most important skills you can learn.
Do not drink or use drugs or talk about the fight to someone else as these actions will only fuel your bad feelings. Also do not work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, punching a punching bag or chopping wood etc. It was once believed that this helped, but it has been shown in many research studies that it doesn’t and that instead doing something calming is much better. You will change how you feel by changing your focus. Focus on something calm and beautiful and your feelings will eventually go in that direction. Start by sitting or lying down or going for a walk. Give it a bit of time and the bad feelings will pass.
Decide that you are not going to think about the problem while you are upset. It can take nearly two days to calm down completely once you have really lost your cool. Make a note on a piece of paper about what first upset you, but decide to leave it till you are completely calm before you think about it or decide what you will do about it. The voice in our head that talks to us when we are angry tells us to do things that we will usually regret later. Smart and successful people do not listen to that voice and don’t take too personally what others say to us when they are angry or upset.
No matter how much you might feel like hurting your partner by saying or doing mean things, try and be honest about your own hurt instead. Say I feel very hurt about what you are saying and I need some time to think about it. I hope that we can get past this. You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that even though you are angry you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly). Having the courage to admit your hurt and vulnerability and also your love for them is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression and intimidation. Don’t say... “I have always hated you; you are a fat slob....” Do say... “I feel very hurt by what you are saying and I am angry at you, but I also really love you, so right now I need some time to calm down before I say anything that I don’t really mean.”
If your partner is not answering you, understand it may be because they are overwhelmed. This generally happens to men faster than women. When we are faced with criticism it is very human to reach a point where we just freeze up. Understand this and don’t assume that they are ignoring you or trying to hurt you further. Silence in a fight could mean emotional overload and you need to give them time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you. This may even take a day or two. Don’t say... “Stop ignoring me!”... Do say “I need some time to cool off and you probably do too - I am going to take some time out. I am not attacking you; I hope we can discuss this in a more friendly way when you are ready”.
Don’t ignore what the fight was about. Refer to the note you made about what triggered the fight a few days later once you are calm and decide what action needs to be taken. Anger is a clear sign that a boundary of yours has been crossed and you need to work on how you are going to defend it. Complaining to your partner about it will probably not help. Note: A boundary is just like it sounds, it is the line of what behavior you find comfortable accepting from others. If someone is rude to you for instance this line has been ‘trespassed’. Making note of what behaviors in others upset you, to consider later when you are calm and can figure out how you can stop that happening again. This is just as important as you calming yourself down in the heat of the moment. You can read more about boundaries in the book Boundaries by Dr.’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Don’t bring up the conversation again until you have decided how you are going to defend this boundary so it is not crossed again. You should leave this at least two or three days.
When you see your partner again be ready to offer an olive branch. When you see them again say that you need a few days to think about what you were fighting about and that you don’t want to talk about it right now. Try and be light and remember that admitting that you are sorry or embarrassed might be hard but is actually very attractive. You will have a chance later to work on the boundary that was crossed and what you can do to defend it better, but for now just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.
Don’t make excuses that the conflict must be resolved now. The more pressing the matter the more important it is that you take the time to calm down. If your partner is uncooperative and you need their help, then change your plan and organize things differently without expecting them to help. After practicing this you will get better at it. You will probably never change your initial reaction to anger or upset, but you can change how you respond to this reaction. Just like exercising a muscle, you will get better at this with practice. When you feel your emotions flare think “Now I have a great chance to exercise self control”. This is not about bottling up your emotions. Let them know that you are angry but also learn to regulate and control your response and to take note about what angered you and make sure you do take time to deal with it later once you are calm.
Practice these skills and you will see every aspect of your life improve...
