Realize there is a Struggle
It would be naïve to believe that counselees will readily do what they are encouraged to do. In the back of their minds, they have a gain-loss scale. They weigh, “What will I gain if I do what I should do or what will I lose if I choose not to do it?” They need encouragement to do the next right thing.
Identify Responsibilities
People are charged in Scripture “If possible, as much as it depends on you (in your circle of responsibility), live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). God gives incredible power to those in a conflict to honestly identify what is happening; assign who is responsible for what; personally assume what responsibility has been assigned; then fulfill what is in their own circle of personal responsibility. God only blesses and empowers the “fulfillers” who do what is in their circle of responsibility (James 1:25).
Motivate to be Responsible
Just identifying a person’s personal responsibility in a conflict does not guarantee they will follow through with it. Your task is to explain the incredible benefits of doing the next right thing in their circle. These benefits will tap into God’s power for personal responsibility. What are those benefits?
Focus
Most counselees have little focus or direction for their lives. Identifying and fulfilling their personal responsibilities will give them specific direction and something to focus on when chaos breaks out around them. They will be able to say, “I know what is the next right thing to do” (Joshua 24:15).
Purpose
One of the major losses experienced by Adam and Eve after they sinned was a loss of purpose in life. Chronic boredom is one of the results of a loss of purpose. When a person clearly identifies their personal responsibility, they can say, “I have something to live for” (Philippians 1:21).
Accomplishment
Counselees often say, “I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere!” If they identify and fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility each day, then they can measure their progress and say, “I feel like I’m getting somewhere.” Each step of doing the right thing is equivalent to passing the next mile marker on a major highway. With the Apostle Paul they can declare, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race (completed all that was in my circle), I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7)
Security
Most conflicts destabilize a person emotionally and tap into their insecurities. Once they clearly know what to do, instability gives way to solid security. They know what they should do or not do which reduces emotional vacillation and results in greater peace. When they have done what God expects them to do, they can stand in secure peace (Ephesians 6:13b).
Calm
Visualize tension in relationships as two people pulling on a rope in opposite directions. It only takes one person to let go or move forward to reduce tension on the rope. Often when one person in a conflict begins to fulfill what is in their circle of responsibility, it will reduce tension in them whether or not there is a change in the other person. That’s what the Apostle Paul was referring to when he stated, “…as much as it depends on you (your end of the rope), be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).
Harmony
Discord is heard in an orchestra when an instrument is not properly tuned to the oboe or the right notes are not played. The counselee’s task is to tune their words, actions and attitudes to God’s word which will greatly increase the possibility of harmony. Their task is to tune their own instrument and play their assigned notes, regardless what others play. Sour notes played by others do not excuse the counselee from staying tuned to God’s word and playing the notes assigned to their instrument (I Peter 3:8.9; Philippians 4:3).
Healing
The power of personal responsibility holds the greatest possibility for healing relationships. When one person acknowledges where they were wrong and confesses it, then it can motivate the other offender to do the same. Jesus taught that whether you offend someone (Matthew 5:23-24) or they offend you (Matthew 18:15-17), it is in your circle of responsibility to go to them and seek to heal the relationship. The Apostle Paul recognized that at the end of this age, people will tend to be irreconcilable (2 Timothy 3:3). But the counselee could lay the groundwork for relational healing if they harness the power of their responsibility and fulfill it.
Witness
People around the world who reject the Christian church tend do so on two grounds; it’s boring and it’s irrelevant. One of the most powerful sources of witness is when a believer puts into practice in his everyday life what he believes. People who are responsible are in great demand. When you fulfill what is legitimately in your circle of responsibility and graciously refuse what’s not in it, unbelievers stand amazed and state, “You really practice your religion, don’t you? “ A responsible person emits a powerful witness (Matthew 5:16).
Anticipation
Each believer is going to stand before God and have all his works judged for the purpose of rewards (2 Corinthians 5:10). Sin will not be the issue here because the blood of Christ has washed it all away (Romans 3:24, 25). But when the believer stands before God, he will only be judged for what he did or did not do in his own circle of responsibility. He will not be held accountable for what others have done in their circles.
A believer who has been a “doer of the word” in his everyday life can anticipate with gladness all that God has in store for him to enjoy forever. After the Apostle Paul affirmed he had fought the good fight, finished his race (circle of responsibility), he then confidently stated, “…there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me.” Paul goes on to say, “and not to me only, but also to all who have loved His appearing” (2 Timothy 4:8). The power of personal responsibility, not only can energize the counselee now, but can excite him to anticipate the incredible rewards that he can enjoy forever.
Summary
The power of personal responsibility can:
Keep you focused.
Give you purpose.
Deepen your security.
Calm your emotions.
Establish your witness.
Heal your relationships.
Anticipate your reward.
Chuck Lynch’s book, You Can Work It Out, covers these and many other hard questions based on the principle of personal responsibility. It can be ordered through the Living Foundation Ministries office for $13 each. LFM will cover the shipping and handling (within the U.S.). No proceeds from this book go to the author.
Living Foundation Ministries
611 NW R.D. Mize Rd.
Blue Springs, MO 64014
(816) 229-5000
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Living With A Self Centered Person
Every one of us struggles with selfishness. Usually we can be reasoned with and come up with a mutually agreeable solution, but not so for the extreme self-centered person (narcissist).
Characteristics of the Self-Centered Person
He (or she) has unrealistic expectations of others; manipulates them to cater to his every need; is easily insulted; can be verbally and sometimes physically abusive; makes others responsible for his feelings but has a total lack of empathy for others; chronically shifts blame to others for his problems and mistakes; can have sudden mood swings; rewrites historical events to avoid any personal responsibility; conveys one personality in public and a totally different one in private; discounts others’ opinions; appoints self as the final authority; controls others; feels entitled to be treated differently than others; is uncooperative; acts superior; craves adoration.
Biblical Understanding of the Self-Centered Person
The self-centered person has accepted Satan’s offer to Eve to be like God (Gen. 3:5). When a believer removes God from the center of this life and puts self on the throne, he is controlled by the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21), not by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22, 23). The unbeliever doesn’t have God in his life so self reigns on the throne of his life. . .
How to Respond to the Self-Centered Person
1. Affirm to yourself your true identity in Christ and not what you are told by the self-centered person (Gal. 2:20).
2. Review often in your mind who you are in Christ:
I am deeply loved (Rom 5:8), accepted (Rom 15:7), righteous (2 Cor. 5:17), adopted (Eph. 1:5), chosen (Eph.1:4), sealed (Eph.1:13), protected (Phil 4:7), blessed (Eph.1:3) and pardoned (Rom. 8:1).
3. Remember, the self-centered person cannot alter or change who you are because you were reborn with Christ’s identity. The self-centered person does not define you. God does! (I Cor. 1:2)
4. Recognize that verbal attacks, criticism and demeaning comments are actually coming from Satan through the self-centered person to you. Satan used Peter’s voice to try to divert Jesus from going to the cross (Matt. 18:23). The self-centered person’s goal is to devalue who you are in Christ. Whatever his tactics, the self-centered person is totally responsible for his words (Matt. 12:35-37).
5. Recommit yourself to the Lord daily. Jesus recommitted Himself often to His heavenly Father (I Peter 2: 23).
6. Be assured that God knows the facts that the self-centered person may be trying to distort in yours or other’s thinking (I Peter 2:23).
7. Respond from a position of confident security in Christ and self-control from the Holy Spirit (Heb. 10:35; Is. 30:15b). Never defend the flesh. It’s futile.
8. Remind yourself that you may lose in time, even with your godly response, but you will win in eternity (2 Cor. 4:7). The self-centered person may “win” in time but will lose in eternity, either his rewards as a believer (2 Cor. 5:10) or eternal destruction as an unbeliever (Rev. 20:11-15).
9. Identify and fulfill what is in your own circle of responsibility (Rom. 12:18). The self-centered person will shrink his circle of responsibility and attempt to expand yours and make you responsible for everything. Don’t assume what’s not yours.
10. Maintain your own mental, physical and spiritual health at all costs (I Thess. 5:23; 2 Peter 3:18; I Tim. 6:6).
11. Avoid traps that are set for you to act like him so he can come back and say “Look who’s talking and you call yourself a Christian?” These are “got you” traps (2 Cor. 2:11; I Peter 3:9).
12. Develop a response plan that will reflect your godly character and not his sinful response patterns (I Peter 3:9).
13. Emotionally detach enough so that his mood swings do not put you on an emotional roller-coaster. You do not need his cooperation to maintain your own emotional and spiritual integrity. Why? Because you are controlled by the Holy Spirit, not his attitude (Gal. 5:22, 23).
14. Remain firm, confident and respectful in spite of his goal to make you incompetent and lose control of yourself (Is. 30:15b).
15. Avoid the spears of verbal, critical attacks that are thrown at you just as David did when King Saul tried to kill him (I Sam. 19:10). How? When they are thrown, duck and let them hit the wall by reaffirming to yourself, “This is not about me. This is about him.” (Phil. 1:27, 28)
16. Allow the self-centered person to experience the consequences for his actions. This is one way to convey to him that you intend to be taken seriously (Gal. 6:7). When we do not listen to God’s Word, He sends His works. The book of Judges illustrates this pattern.
17. Maintain respect. The self-centered person craves adoration and control. God said we have to at least remain respectful. You can say, “No” respectfully and or refuse to play angry games or allow yourself to be manipulated (Eph. 5:33; Acts 23:1-5; I Peter 2:17).
18. Hold to your biblical convictions at all costs because he will twist scripture to control you (I Peter 1:13; I Tim, 4:16; 2 Tim. 1:13).
19. Accept the fact that you probably are not going to have the self-centered person’s approval. He knows very little about validating another person. You are totally secure in Christ.
20. Accept the truth that the self-centered person will be insensitive (Phil. 2:21). No pleading on your part is going to change that. Draw your comfort from God (2 Cor.1:4) and other believers (Gal. 6:2). Only God can change him (John 16:8).
21. Establish reasonable boundaries with appropriate consequences. You only build a fence around something that is valuable. See yourself as valuable in Christ (Matt. 6:26). Put a stop to the boundary violations or remove yourself from the violator. If you do not see yourself as valuable in Christ, you will not be able to set legitimate boundaries.
22. Grant forgiveness on a daily basis to prevent your spirit from becoming bitter (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is what you grant. Trust is what he has to earn (Prov. 18:19).
23. Understand that you are not trapped. Biblically you can choose to stay in the situation without any change (I Cor. 7:10) or you can separate and remain single or separate and be reconciled (I Cor. 7:11). There may be other choices, but these are three clear ones.
24. Pray for them (Matt. 5:44) that God will break through their denial, arrogance and roots of anger then draw them to Himself. Without a change of heart all behavioral changes are temporary.
Unfortunately, no relationship means much to the self-centered person, neither do tragic events. You can see this in the life of Pharaoh (Ex. 4:14). God warns us that one of the characteristics of the end times is that men will be lovers of themselves (2 Tim. 3:2). Your task is to remain godly in your responses, stay in your circle of responsibility, establish healthy boundaries and forgive regularly. Nothing may change, but your heart and spirit will grow through your godly response and this finds great favor in the sight of God (I Peter 2:20).
Characteristics of the Self-Centered Person
He (or she) has unrealistic expectations of others; manipulates them to cater to his every need; is easily insulted; can be verbally and sometimes physically abusive; makes others responsible for his feelings but has a total lack of empathy for others; chronically shifts blame to others for his problems and mistakes; can have sudden mood swings; rewrites historical events to avoid any personal responsibility; conveys one personality in public and a totally different one in private; discounts others’ opinions; appoints self as the final authority; controls others; feels entitled to be treated differently than others; is uncooperative; acts superior; craves adoration.
Biblical Understanding of the Self-Centered Person
The self-centered person has accepted Satan’s offer to Eve to be like God (Gen. 3:5). When a believer removes God from the center of this life and puts self on the throne, he is controlled by the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21), not by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22, 23). The unbeliever doesn’t have God in his life so self reigns on the throne of his life. . .
How to Respond to the Self-Centered Person
1. Affirm to yourself your true identity in Christ and not what you are told by the self-centered person (Gal. 2:20).
2. Review often in your mind who you are in Christ:
I am deeply loved (Rom 5:8), accepted (Rom 15:7), righteous (2 Cor. 5:17), adopted (Eph. 1:5), chosen (Eph.1:4), sealed (Eph.1:13), protected (Phil 4:7), blessed (Eph.1:3) and pardoned (Rom. 8:1).
3. Remember, the self-centered person cannot alter or change who you are because you were reborn with Christ’s identity. The self-centered person does not define you. God does! (I Cor. 1:2)
4. Recognize that verbal attacks, criticism and demeaning comments are actually coming from Satan through the self-centered person to you. Satan used Peter’s voice to try to divert Jesus from going to the cross (Matt. 18:23). The self-centered person’s goal is to devalue who you are in Christ. Whatever his tactics, the self-centered person is totally responsible for his words (Matt. 12:35-37).
5. Recommit yourself to the Lord daily. Jesus recommitted Himself often to His heavenly Father (I Peter 2: 23).
6. Be assured that God knows the facts that the self-centered person may be trying to distort in yours or other’s thinking (I Peter 2:23).
7. Respond from a position of confident security in Christ and self-control from the Holy Spirit (Heb. 10:35; Is. 30:15b). Never defend the flesh. It’s futile.
8. Remind yourself that you may lose in time, even with your godly response, but you will win in eternity (2 Cor. 4:7). The self-centered person may “win” in time but will lose in eternity, either his rewards as a believer (2 Cor. 5:10) or eternal destruction as an unbeliever (Rev. 20:11-15).
9. Identify and fulfill what is in your own circle of responsibility (Rom. 12:18). The self-centered person will shrink his circle of responsibility and attempt to expand yours and make you responsible for everything. Don’t assume what’s not yours.
10. Maintain your own mental, physical and spiritual health at all costs (I Thess. 5:23; 2 Peter 3:18; I Tim. 6:6).
11. Avoid traps that are set for you to act like him so he can come back and say “Look who’s talking and you call yourself a Christian?” These are “got you” traps (2 Cor. 2:11; I Peter 3:9).
12. Develop a response plan that will reflect your godly character and not his sinful response patterns (I Peter 3:9).
13. Emotionally detach enough so that his mood swings do not put you on an emotional roller-coaster. You do not need his cooperation to maintain your own emotional and spiritual integrity. Why? Because you are controlled by the Holy Spirit, not his attitude (Gal. 5:22, 23).
14. Remain firm, confident and respectful in spite of his goal to make you incompetent and lose control of yourself (Is. 30:15b).
15. Avoid the spears of verbal, critical attacks that are thrown at you just as David did when King Saul tried to kill him (I Sam. 19:10). How? When they are thrown, duck and let them hit the wall by reaffirming to yourself, “This is not about me. This is about him.” (Phil. 1:27, 28)
16. Allow the self-centered person to experience the consequences for his actions. This is one way to convey to him that you intend to be taken seriously (Gal. 6:7). When we do not listen to God’s Word, He sends His works. The book of Judges illustrates this pattern.
17. Maintain respect. The self-centered person craves adoration and control. God said we have to at least remain respectful. You can say, “No” respectfully and or refuse to play angry games or allow yourself to be manipulated (Eph. 5:33; Acts 23:1-5; I Peter 2:17).
18. Hold to your biblical convictions at all costs because he will twist scripture to control you (I Peter 1:13; I Tim, 4:16; 2 Tim. 1:13).
19. Accept the fact that you probably are not going to have the self-centered person’s approval. He knows very little about validating another person. You are totally secure in Christ.
20. Accept the truth that the self-centered person will be insensitive (Phil. 2:21). No pleading on your part is going to change that. Draw your comfort from God (2 Cor.1:4) and other believers (Gal. 6:2). Only God can change him (John 16:8).
21. Establish reasonable boundaries with appropriate consequences. You only build a fence around something that is valuable. See yourself as valuable in Christ (Matt. 6:26). Put a stop to the boundary violations or remove yourself from the violator. If you do not see yourself as valuable in Christ, you will not be able to set legitimate boundaries.
22. Grant forgiveness on a daily basis to prevent your spirit from becoming bitter (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is what you grant. Trust is what he has to earn (Prov. 18:19).
23. Understand that you are not trapped. Biblically you can choose to stay in the situation without any change (I Cor. 7:10) or you can separate and remain single or separate and be reconciled (I Cor. 7:11). There may be other choices, but these are three clear ones.
24. Pray for them (Matt. 5:44) that God will break through their denial, arrogance and roots of anger then draw them to Himself. Without a change of heart all behavioral changes are temporary.
Unfortunately, no relationship means much to the self-centered person, neither do tragic events. You can see this in the life of Pharaoh (Ex. 4:14). God warns us that one of the characteristics of the end times is that men will be lovers of themselves (2 Tim. 3:2). Your task is to remain godly in your responses, stay in your circle of responsibility, establish healthy boundaries and forgive regularly. Nothing may change, but your heart and spirit will grow through your godly response and this finds great favor in the sight of God (I Peter 2:20).
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Positive Benefits From Negative Experiences
It may come as a surprise to learn that the word “problem” does not appear in the King James Version of the Bible. It only appears three times each in the New American Standard Version and New International Version, all in the book of Daniel. God does not view tragedies, hurts, losses and conflict as problems. He calls them trials, tests, temptations, afflictions, tribulations and sufferings. He, instead, views them as opportunities to experience at least twelve positive benefits.
1. Growth in personal character. What character quality is this building in me? (James 1:1-3). God is more concerned that we develop Christ like character than just fixing problems. This is the practical process of the doctrine of progressive sanctification.
2. Gain insights in His Word. What insights am I learning from His Word as I go through this? (Ps. 119:71)
3. Deepen your understanding of God’s ways. What ways of God am I learning? (Prov. 14:12; Isaiah 55:8-9)
4. Deepen your relationship with Him personally. How is this deepening my relationship with God? (Phil. 3:10) Knowing about God is good and important. But knowing God personally is better. There is nothing that deepens that personal experience with Him more than to experience suffering with Him. The fellowship of suffering with Him is second to none.
5. Illustrate to others how to respond to pain and loss. Who is going to benefit from my godly response? (2 Cor. 1:6; Phil. 1:12-14)
6. Glorify Him. How am I glorifying God through this? (John 9:3; 11:4)
7. Correct wrong behavior. What am I doing that is not pleasing to God? (I Cor. 11:30-32; Heb. 12:3-13; Ps. 119:67, 71).
8. Prevent pride. What are my areas of struggle with pride?(2 Cor. 12:7)
9. Learn obedience. What lessons do I have to keep learning? (Heb. 5:8)
10. Purify your faith. What areas of my life can I not trust God? (I Peter 1:6-7; 2 Chron. 16:9; 2 Cor. 1:3)
11. Reduce dependence on people, places or things. What am I depending on in the place of God? (Phil. 4:19; Judges 7:2)
12. Prepare you to help others. Who does God want me to help? (2 Cor. 1:4)
Many “problems” are not going to be “solved” this side of Heaven, but these benefits can be yours through faith and obedience to Christ.
1. Growth in personal character. What character quality is this building in me? (James 1:1-3). God is more concerned that we develop Christ like character than just fixing problems. This is the practical process of the doctrine of progressive sanctification.
2. Gain insights in His Word. What insights am I learning from His Word as I go through this? (Ps. 119:71)
3. Deepen your understanding of God’s ways. What ways of God am I learning? (Prov. 14:12; Isaiah 55:8-9)
4. Deepen your relationship with Him personally. How is this deepening my relationship with God? (Phil. 3:10) Knowing about God is good and important. But knowing God personally is better. There is nothing that deepens that personal experience with Him more than to experience suffering with Him. The fellowship of suffering with Him is second to none.
5. Illustrate to others how to respond to pain and loss. Who is going to benefit from my godly response? (2 Cor. 1:6; Phil. 1:12-14)
6. Glorify Him. How am I glorifying God through this? (John 9:3; 11:4)
7. Correct wrong behavior. What am I doing that is not pleasing to God? (I Cor. 11:30-32; Heb. 12:3-13; Ps. 119:67, 71).
8. Prevent pride. What are my areas of struggle with pride?(2 Cor. 12:7)
9. Learn obedience. What lessons do I have to keep learning? (Heb. 5:8)
10. Purify your faith. What areas of my life can I not trust God? (I Peter 1:6-7; 2 Chron. 16:9; 2 Cor. 1:3)
11. Reduce dependence on people, places or things. What am I depending on in the place of God? (Phil. 4:19; Judges 7:2)
12. Prepare you to help others. Who does God want me to help? (2 Cor. 1:4)
Many “problems” are not going to be “solved” this side of Heaven, but these benefits can be yours through faith and obedience to Christ.
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