Do not bring up that you want to divorce or separate in the heat of an argument. This is not a decision to make when you are upset as it will undoubtedly make the conflict worse. If your partner says they hate you and that they want to leave you or other hurtful things, remember that they are mad and probably don’t mean what they are saying. We all say things we don’t mean when we are angry. Don’t Say ... “I am leaving you”.... Do say... “I am leaving the room to go calm down, I need some timeout”.
Don’t make ultimatums or threats (they will only come back to haunt you). If you make someone do what you want by threatening them, it will be at the expense of their love for you and your relationship. Threats will rarely work anyway, as people do things more readily out of love and wanting to please others rather than fear. Threats only breed resentment. If your partner’s behavior is unacceptable you need to learn other skills and techniques to set boundaries for yourself and limit their behavior, threats will not work and will only escalate the fighting. Don’t say... “If you don’t stop saying that I will not come home tonight”... Do say... “I want to talk to you, but when you have calmed down and changed your tone of voice, I need to cool down too.”
Stop thinking you need your partner to do what you want them to right now. They cannot help you now as they are all tied up in dealing with their own negative emotions. Be wise and give both yourself and your partner some time and space.
Take care of your own hurt. If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some quiet time, do so, but say clearly where you are going, when you will be back and that you just need some time to cool off because you are too upset to talk anymore and you need some space to take care of yourself. If they will give you time alone without you leaving, then stay where you are, but do not be waiting for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down too. If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself. If you have kids reassure them that you are OK and that things are going to be alright. No matter how hurt you feel inside, be brave and strong for your kids, kids love strength in a parent and will love you for it. If you can, ask a neighbor to watch the kids for an hour or so and then do what you need to do to feel better. This might be listening to some calming music you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or even listening to the rain or a recording of rain sounds. If there is no one to watch the kids, take them out for a walk or to the park. Learning to soothe yourself and get back to being happy regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving is one of the most important skills you can learn.
Do not drink or use drugs or talk about the fight to someone else as these actions will only fuel your bad feelings. Also do not work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, punching a punching bag or chopping wood etc. It was once believed that this helped, but it has been shown in many research studies that it doesn’t and that instead doing something calming is much better. You will change how you feel by changing your focus. Focus on something calm and beautiful and your feelings will eventually go in that direction. Start by sitting or lying down or going for a walk. Give it a bit of time and the bad feelings will pass.
Decide that you are not going to think about the problem while you are upset. It can take nearly two days to calm down completely once you have really lost your cool. Make a note on a piece of paper about what first upset you, but decide to leave it till you are completely calm before you think about it or decide what you will do about it. The voice in our head that talks to us when we are angry tells us to do things that we will usually regret later. Smart and successful people do not listen to that voice and don’t take too personally what others say to us when they are angry or upset.
No matter how much you might feel like hurting your partner by saying or doing mean things, try and be honest about your own hurt instead. Say I feel very hurt about what you are saying and I need some time to think about it. I hope that we can get past this. You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that even though you are angry you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly). Having the courage to admit your hurt and vulnerability and also your love for them is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression and intimidation. Don’t say... “I have always hated you; you are a fat slob....” Do say... “I feel very hurt by what you are saying and I am angry at you, but I also really love you, so right now I need some time to calm down before I say anything that I don’t really mean.”
If your partner is not answering you, understand it may be because they are overwhelmed. This generally happens to men faster than women. When we are faced with criticism it is very human to reach a point where we just freeze up. Understand this and don’t assume that they are ignoring you or trying to hurt you further. Silence in a fight could mean emotional overload and you need to give them time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you. This may even take a day or two. Don’t say... “Stop ignoring me!”... Do say “I need some time to cool off and you probably do too - I am going to take some time out. I am not attacking you; I hope we can discuss this in a more friendly way when you are ready”.
Don’t ignore what the fight was about. Refer to the note you made about what triggered the fight a few days later once you are calm and decide what action needs to be taken. Anger is a clear sign that a boundary of yours has been crossed and you need to work on how you are going to defend it. Complaining to your partner about it will probably not help. Note: A boundary is just like it sounds, it is the line of what behavior you find comfortable accepting from others. If someone is rude to you for instance this line has been ‘trespassed’. Making note of what behaviors in others upset you, to consider later when you are calm and can figure out how you can stop that happening again. This is just as important as you calming yourself down in the heat of the moment. You can read more about boundaries in the book Boundaries by Dr.’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Don’t bring up the conversation again until you have decided how you are going to defend this boundary so it is not crossed again. You should leave this at least two or three days.
When you see your partner again be ready to offer an olive branch. When you see them again say that you need a few days to think about what you were fighting about and that you don’t want to talk about it right now. Try and be light and remember that admitting that you are sorry or embarrassed might be hard but is actually very attractive. You will have a chance later to work on the boundary that was crossed and what you can do to defend it better, but for now just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.
Don’t make excuses that the conflict must be resolved now. The more pressing the matter the more important it is that you take the time to calm down. If your partner is uncooperative and you need their help, then change your plan and organize things differently without expecting them to help. After practicing this you will get better at it. You will probably never change your initial reaction to anger or upset, but you can change how you respond to this reaction. Just like exercising a muscle, you will get better at this with practice. When you feel your emotions flare think “Now I have a great chance to exercise self control”. This is not about bottling up your emotions. Let them know that you are angry but also learn to regulate and control your response and to take note about what angered you and make sure you do take time to deal with it later once you are calm.
Practice these skills and you will see every aspect of your life improve...
Friday, November 07, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Life Out Who You Are
I ran across this today and wanted to share it with you...
Life Out Who You Are
by Dr. Bill Gillham
If you are saved, but believe that you are half evil and half good, you will live a confused, roller coaster life on this planet, tossed about on the horns of whatever temptation seems to be your besetting sin. Continue to live like this and you will ultimately swallow the lie that you are actually not half evil and half good but, are more like 90% evil, alas, even 100% evil and zero good, misinterpreting Romans 7:18 by stating, "No good thing dwells in me…" the man is talking about his flesh, not his soul or spirit. Listen, brother, if you get a splinter in your foot do you become a totem pole? No, you have wood "dwelling in you." Neither if you have "evil present in you" does that make you evil? Finish the verse (Romans 7:21) to find out your identity. You are the "one who wishes to do good." You’re the good guy if you are a new creation in Christ. That "evil present in you (in your body)" is the power of sin, an agent of Satan. It’s not you!
Make no mistake about it, you will "life out" whatever you believe your true identity is! Believe you are a saint who sins at times, but who hates it and you’ll be highly motivated to line up your behavior to coincide with your identity. Believe you are totally evil, and it will come as no shock to you that you commit several hundred sins a day. You will live a defeated Christian life.
Is it any wonder that I believe it to be critically important that the church discover who we are?
Learn more about Dr. Bill Gillham and Lifetime Guarantee Ministries; go to www.lifetime.org
Life Out Who You Are
by Dr. Bill Gillham
If you are saved, but believe that you are half evil and half good, you will live a confused, roller coaster life on this planet, tossed about on the horns of whatever temptation seems to be your besetting sin. Continue to live like this and you will ultimately swallow the lie that you are actually not half evil and half good but, are more like 90% evil, alas, even 100% evil and zero good, misinterpreting Romans 7:18 by stating, "No good thing dwells in me…" the man is talking about his flesh, not his soul or spirit. Listen, brother, if you get a splinter in your foot do you become a totem pole? No, you have wood "dwelling in you." Neither if you have "evil present in you" does that make you evil? Finish the verse (Romans 7:21) to find out your identity. You are the "one who wishes to do good." You’re the good guy if you are a new creation in Christ. That "evil present in you (in your body)" is the power of sin, an agent of Satan. It’s not you!
Make no mistake about it, you will "life out" whatever you believe your true identity is! Believe you are a saint who sins at times, but who hates it and you’ll be highly motivated to line up your behavior to coincide with your identity. Believe you are totally evil, and it will come as no shock to you that you commit several hundred sins a day. You will live a defeated Christian life.
Is it any wonder that I believe it to be critically important that the church discover who we are?
Learn more about Dr. Bill Gillham and Lifetime Guarantee Ministries; go to www.lifetime.org
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Your Answer Is At The Door
I ran across this today and just had to share it with y'all. What really struck me was what I have taken the liberty to put into boldface. Be blessed!
July 15, 2008
Your Answer is at the Door
Rev. James C. Matthews
"So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him' ... 'Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists'. ... 'When this had dawned on him, he went to the house of Mary the mother of John, also called Mark, where many people had gathered and were praying. Peter knocked at the outer entrance, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" "You're out of your mind," they told her. When she kept insisting that it was so, they said, "It must be his angel." But Peter kept on knocking, and when they opened the door and saw him, they were astonished. (Acts 12:5,7,12-16, NIV)
One morning during my prayer and devotion time, I ran across a scripture that stopped me in my tracks. There was something in the text that God wanted me to see. So I backed up and reread the text again. Then it hit me! These believers, who were praying earnestly, weren't expecting their prayers to be answered. I said to myself: "How can this be? How can we pray "earnestly" for something and not believe our answer when it arrives?" God revealed to me that this happens all the time. He sends answers to our prayers and they are returned to Him stamped “Unclaimed."
Why is this? How can we take the time to pray and not expect our answer or recognize it when it comes knocking? I believe there are three main reasons why this happens.
First, is a "lack of expectation" due to "past experiences". In looking at the context of this scripture, these individuals had experienced fellow believers being killed, even after they prayed for their release. They had endured the stoning of Stephen, the slaying of James and now their leader Peter was scheduled to be next. Those who were in the house praying, told the young girl who reported that their prayers had been answered, that she was "out of her mind". However, we must remember that our past experiences or failures do not determine or dictate God's present or future course of action. Many of the most difficult things that hinder our forward movement in life, are not the things that lay ahead of us, but those things that are behind us that distract us from what is happening in our lives now. We must expect God to answer our prayers and be on the look out for its manifestation in our lives, regardless of what happened yesterday. The Bible says that “he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
Secondly, prayer in the lives of many believers, has been minimized to being nothing more than a "religious activity or responsibility", instead of it being the heaven moving gift of God. When we lose sight of the fact that we are calling upon an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Creator God of the universe, who also happens to be “our Father”, we can become overwhelmed by the severity of our situation. We must understand that we are not calling upon another human being or some distant disinterested deity - but our Father who has no limitations. If I can find it in His Word, and agree with what He has said, the facts of my situation will have to line up with the truth of His word. Facts change everyday, but the truth never changes. Because I've decided to believe the truth above the fluctuating facts, I have a legitimate expectation of manifestation (answered prayer) in my life. Prayer is more than religion or a believer's responsibility, but a relationship with our Father!
Thirdly, “God's ways are not our ways”. I truly believe, that part of the difficulty those gathered in prayer had in receiving their answer, was that it seemed “too easy”. They prayed and God answered their prayer. It was that simple! Believe it or not, this happens more often than you think. I've discovered that many of us overlook our answers because we “feel” that we haven't toiled, labored or suffered enough to have earned an answer from God. Remember, you are a “son”, not a slave! You don't earn blessings - you receive them! Jesus said, in Matthew 7:11, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Therefore, what have you been praying to God about? Did you know that God is your Father and He wants to bless you? Do you expect your prayer to be answered? If not, you need to take a good look around, because the answer to your prayer may have already arrived, and waiting on you to receive it!
Pastor James C. (J.C.) Matthews is the founder and Senior Pastor of the multi-cultural non-denominational Dunamis Life Ministries of Dallas, Texas. Pastor Matthews is known for his love of God's Word, unusual wisdom, passionate preaching style and gift of practically applying scripture to everyday. He is the author of the Saved but Stuck: 30 Days to Personal Revival". "I'll Come... When I Get Myself Together" and "My Situation Is Not My Destination - Only Preparation". J.C. Matthews lives in the Dallas / Ft. Worth Texas area with his wife Gena and four children.
© Rev. James C. Matthews all rights reserved.
July 15, 2008
Your Answer is at the Door
Rev. James C. Matthews
"So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him' ... 'Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists'. ... 'When this had dawned on him, he went to the house of Mary the mother of John, also called Mark, where many people had gathered and were praying. Peter knocked at the outer entrance, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" "You're out of your mind," they told her. When she kept insisting that it was so, they said, "It must be his angel." But Peter kept on knocking, and when they opened the door and saw him, they were astonished. (Acts 12:5,7,12-16, NIV)
One morning during my prayer and devotion time, I ran across a scripture that stopped me in my tracks. There was something in the text that God wanted me to see. So I backed up and reread the text again. Then it hit me! These believers, who were praying earnestly, weren't expecting their prayers to be answered. I said to myself: "How can this be? How can we pray "earnestly" for something and not believe our answer when it arrives?" God revealed to me that this happens all the time. He sends answers to our prayers and they are returned to Him stamped “Unclaimed."
Why is this? How can we take the time to pray and not expect our answer or recognize it when it comes knocking? I believe there are three main reasons why this happens.
First, is a "lack of expectation" due to "past experiences". In looking at the context of this scripture, these individuals had experienced fellow believers being killed, even after they prayed for their release. They had endured the stoning of Stephen, the slaying of James and now their leader Peter was scheduled to be next. Those who were in the house praying, told the young girl who reported that their prayers had been answered, that she was "out of her mind". However, we must remember that our past experiences or failures do not determine or dictate God's present or future course of action. Many of the most difficult things that hinder our forward movement in life, are not the things that lay ahead of us, but those things that are behind us that distract us from what is happening in our lives now. We must expect God to answer our prayers and be on the look out for its manifestation in our lives, regardless of what happened yesterday. The Bible says that “he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
Secondly, prayer in the lives of many believers, has been minimized to being nothing more than a "religious activity or responsibility", instead of it being the heaven moving gift of God. When we lose sight of the fact that we are calling upon an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Creator God of the universe, who also happens to be “our Father”, we can become overwhelmed by the severity of our situation. We must understand that we are not calling upon another human being or some distant disinterested deity - but our Father who has no limitations. If I can find it in His Word, and agree with what He has said, the facts of my situation will have to line up with the truth of His word. Facts change everyday, but the truth never changes. Because I've decided to believe the truth above the fluctuating facts, I have a legitimate expectation of manifestation (answered prayer) in my life. Prayer is more than religion or a believer's responsibility, but a relationship with our Father!
Thirdly, “God's ways are not our ways”. I truly believe, that part of the difficulty those gathered in prayer had in receiving their answer, was that it seemed “too easy”. They prayed and God answered their prayer. It was that simple! Believe it or not, this happens more often than you think. I've discovered that many of us overlook our answers because we “feel” that we haven't toiled, labored or suffered enough to have earned an answer from God. Remember, you are a “son”, not a slave! You don't earn blessings - you receive them! Jesus said, in Matthew 7:11, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Therefore, what have you been praying to God about? Did you know that God is your Father and He wants to bless you? Do you expect your prayer to be answered? If not, you need to take a good look around, because the answer to your prayer may have already arrived, and waiting on you to receive it!
Pastor James C. (J.C.) Matthews is the founder and Senior Pastor of the multi-cultural non-denominational Dunamis Life Ministries of Dallas, Texas. Pastor Matthews is known for his love of God's Word, unusual wisdom, passionate preaching style and gift of practically applying scripture to everyday. He is the author of the Saved but Stuck: 30 Days to Personal Revival". "I'll Come... When I Get Myself Together" and "My Situation Is Not My Destination - Only Preparation". J.C. Matthews lives in the Dallas / Ft. Worth Texas area with his wife Gena and four children.
© Rev. James C. Matthews all rights reserved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)